I smell and my lungs are burning but this really is the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I missed this. I missed playing with my best friends. I missed the feeling of the bus swaying as I try not to sleep, for fear of some bad accident that will inevitably break my legs, instead of my head. I missed your faces, singing back at me. I missed talking to you. I don't really miss your personal inquiries, but I can handle them, because without you, I would be absolutely nothing.
I do not miss some things in life. Some things, I am glad to be rid of, even. Those words sound harsh, but I don't care. I do not miss feeling guilty because shitty things happened to you. I do not miss feeling helpless. I know now, that there was nothing I could have done. There was never anything I could have done, because there has never been any changing your mind. I'm not sure why talking to him made it easier for me to let go of you, but somehow it did. You don't need me. You're not on your own. The only thing you ever needed me for was to be less. Take the boots. You win.
I'm sorry for some things. I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way we wanted. I'm sorry it was all a very large misunderstanding. I could repeat words that I've already told you, but I won't. I'm just sorry.
And you. I love you. And I love you. I love you, too. My sanity is mostly made up of three parts. Family. Band. Music. You three fall into all of these categories. There is no better way to explain it.
This tour? It's going to be amazing. I hope if you're coming, that you're ready for us. We're going to blow your mind into a million different Barclay shaped pieces.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
I threatened to trade you in...
But today, in between being studious, and just being a stud, you saved your older sister. I will miss you every time I step onto the bus without you, but I am glad you are back where you belong. Uncertainty is my forte right now, but the way my pride swells when I think of you is not something I will ever be unsure of. Ma and Pops were right, and I forgot to thank you for taking a chance. Between you, and you, and especially you, I'll be okay. Things will be okay.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Yes, I'd sit and watch you play Oblivion for hours.
When life is this crazy, I miss you more than usual.
Someone said something about unicorns today. I smiled.
Someone said something about unicorns today. I smiled.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
it's 2:07am...
and i can't sleep.
there are no more juice boxes in the fridge. tour is soon. i am excited. my mind is running a mile a minute. if i let it run a marathon, i might be able to sleep. i'm tired. i can't stop yawning. i still only sleep in four hour intervals.
i really really want another juice box. i'm considering putting on a sweater and going down the street for more. i know my sanity in the form of my best friend will knock some sense into me. night time is for sleeping. daytime is for keeping your eyes wide open. i don't understand how that applies to this life. it's circumstances are different than most. well. not that different. different enough.
i have been a bad friend lately. and part of me is sorry. part of me isn't. a bigger part of me. the same part is paranoid. the same part is scared. nothing will ever be the same again. those words are sitting on my chest, like a pile of bricks, keeping my lungs from filling properly. but new things aren't so bad. this i know. new things are good. my view of one particular person has changed drastically in recent months. my view of another person has stayed the exact same.
my gut is punching my heart and my heart is punching my gut. gut feelings. hearts beating. my body is a ground for constant battle. one side is winning.
there is a vast panoramic view in front of me. i feel like i can see my future.
it's easy to ignore the unknown. it's easy to write what you know. how exactly do you go about building a home? and how do you go about leaving one?
things are not as easy as i make them look. that has always been my curse. my mama told me not to cry. don't be sad, she said. my daddy was sick but he could still smile. i know somehow he could still open his heart and take on another son.
he made you feel safe, so you could make me feel safe. you make me feel the safest, but the biggest blows come from my own insides.
i am thankful for my family.
i am thankful for music.
you are my family. you are my music.
there are no more juice boxes in the fridge. tour is soon. i am excited. my mind is running a mile a minute. if i let it run a marathon, i might be able to sleep. i'm tired. i can't stop yawning. i still only sleep in four hour intervals.
i really really want another juice box. i'm considering putting on a sweater and going down the street for more. i know my sanity in the form of my best friend will knock some sense into me. night time is for sleeping. daytime is for keeping your eyes wide open. i don't understand how that applies to this life. it's circumstances are different than most. well. not that different. different enough.
i have been a bad friend lately. and part of me is sorry. part of me isn't. a bigger part of me. the same part is paranoid. the same part is scared. nothing will ever be the same again. those words are sitting on my chest, like a pile of bricks, keeping my lungs from filling properly. but new things aren't so bad. this i know. new things are good. my view of one particular person has changed drastically in recent months. my view of another person has stayed the exact same.
my gut is punching my heart and my heart is punching my gut. gut feelings. hearts beating. my body is a ground for constant battle. one side is winning.
there is a vast panoramic view in front of me. i feel like i can see my future.
it's easy to ignore the unknown. it's easy to write what you know. how exactly do you go about building a home? and how do you go about leaving one?
things are not as easy as i make them look. that has always been my curse. my mama told me not to cry. don't be sad, she said. my daddy was sick but he could still smile. i know somehow he could still open his heart and take on another son.
he made you feel safe, so you could make me feel safe. you make me feel the safest, but the biggest blows come from my own insides.
i am thankful for my family.
i am thankful for music.
you are my family. you are my music.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
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