I have laundry to do.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure why I'm awake right now. It's ten am and in two days, one of my favourite people and I are hopping a plane to Paris. Yesterday, I flew home from Vegas where I got to spend time with one of my favourite faces ever. I have been seeing a lot of favourite faces lately. It's been nice, however, it's taken a toll on my body. I'm tired, but I can't sleep for reasons I won't talk about. Well, I suspect certain reasons. But, who knows for sure. I can barely keep track of what day it is, nevermind the endless stream of thoughts swirling around in my head.

I am not such a fan of home right now. Maybe that's why I keep leaving. Living in that van when I was sixteen ruined me. I can barely stay content in one place for a very long time. Maybe it is the place I'm not such a fan of, right this second. I am a firm believer in home being with people rather than in a place. Three of my most important homes are in a different countries, way too far from where I am.

I am counting down the days until I feel like I'm home again. The combination of you and you provides a wholeness that I've never even been able to begin to grasp at before.

New York is cold, but pretty.

I have never been a fan of this city. It always feels like it's too big for me. Toronto is different. There is something about it that feels like a small town. How that happens, I'm not sure. Maybe it's the fact that the downtown core isn't ridiculously massive, but there's that big old tower that does something to peak everyone's interest. I think, for the moment, I am feeling a pang of homesickness. This doesn't happen very often. I'm going to take the liberty of blaming my big brother for this, though. Home always comes up when we're talking - so does family, and the way I never seem to call home. Before next Christmas, he says. Before next Christmas, indeed.

Speaking of family. Granny Barclay strikes again. Well, sort of. This was taken over the holidays. I've said it before and I'll say it again - she is pretty much both the sweetest and scariest woman I know. And the best person to take bathing suit shopping with you. If you look good, she'll tell ya. If you look like a whore? She'll tell ya.


I'll let this one speak for itself:

I lost my voice today

bask in someone else's fame
live off of the family name
and who you are is all that matters
it's so hard being young today
dior ads and pink cocaine
you'll go far for doing nothing
in hollywood
every sunrise, you get so close
every sunset, an overdose
no one cares but everybody knows
everybody wants to be someone else

My head hurts.

Life always throws curve balls in your general direction, no matter who you are, or who you're with, or how happy or sad you are. Sometimes these curve balls are incredibly enjoyable. Sometimes they aren't. There is a rock sitting in my stomach at this moment in time. I'm not entirely sure why it's there or how heavy it's going to get, or how long it's going to be there.

Emotionless Barclay has emotions...

sometimes my world is magical. thoughts travel.

little toes and wiggly fingers. i can't believe you have a little person growing on your insides. i'm sitting here trying to think of words to say about what you gave me today. i'm grateful. if i can't figure out anything else to say, just let me say that. i know you haven't been the happiest with me lately, but you're still letting me be apart of one of the biggest things to ever happen to you, if not the biggest. thank you. i love you.

there are a million different kinds of love surrounding me, right now. and really, that's all that matters.

i hope that someday, when i say 'i love you' you don't think i'm lying to make you feel okay. i hope that when the words 'i'm sorry' leave my mouth, that you believe me.

the year is still brand new. i don't feel the need for resolutions. being better should not be reserved for the first two weeks out of a fifty two week long period.

i'm cold.